Shadow of Myself
by innerspace
Summary: No one had expectations of him. He finally had space to decide what he expected of himself
1. Prologue

Summary: No one had expectations of him. He finally had space to decide what he expected of himself.  
  
Spoilers: Season 3  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned Gilmore girls I wouldn't have written this.  
  
Author's Note: I'd just like to say thanks to Hadar. You were a huge help in creating and writing this. Also, this chapter may be a little misleading. The bulk of the rest of the story will take place in Stars Hollow. At least this is the plan right now.  
  
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Prologue  
  
Summer, 2003  
  
Jess sat on a bench, staring at the ocean. This was something that he liked about living here, something that the other places he lived had lacked. He could see the moons reflection on the waves as they crashed into the shore. He could hear the rise and fall of the waves, feel the ocean breeze. He could see the lights from the pier in the distance lighting up the boardwalk.   
  
Everything was so... different. The multi-colored lights made it look like a carnival. The ferris wheel had stopped and the kids at the top were rocking it back and forth. The roller coaster roared by, screams and laughter trailing it. Little kids were running around with cotton candy, pulling their parents as fast as they could. The Santa Monica Pier was alive tonight.   
  
He sat on a bench, unmoving, alone.   
  
He could do that here, with no one who cared about his business.  
  
He had been in California for a month now. He was still a little unsure, a little awkward about living here, living with Jimmy. But he hadn't been kicked out yet and hadn't gotten sick of it yet, so he figured that was a good thing.   
  
He looked away from the pier, down at his hands. They held a book. He hadn't even realized he had packed it, but sure enough, when he had opened his bag, there it was. He looked at the cover and fingered the pages inside, noticing the neat handwriting that adorned the first couple pages.   
  
This book reminded him of things. Some of them were good things. He smiled at the memory of how he had obtained this particular book. But some of the memories were not so good.   
  
He closed his eyes and let his head fall into his hands. Everything had just - happened. It got too far out of control before he even realized it needed fixing. And then he was too hard, too stubborn to even try.  
  
The things he had done, the things he hadn't done, they all came back to him. He realized now the way things had ended with Rory was just the tip of the iceberg. It had been a long time coming. She hadn't known what was going on, how could she? He never told her anything. And then that night at the party... she hadn't done anything to deserve that. He couldn't even look her in the face after that. She had done more than her part in trying to get him to open up to her, in sacrificing to be with him, in putting up with his attitude. It hurt to think about that night, to see that look on her face when she couldn't figure out what she had done wrong, when she had done everything more than right.  
  
He had called her a couple weeks ago. He had spent four dollars in quarters to make that call. He hadn't said anything. He didn't really think he had a right to say anything to her after what he had done. There was no sorry, there was no explanation; it had happened and anything he would have said to her would have felt like lip-service. But it was good to hear her voice, if nothing else. And it was good to know she was going to be okay.  
  
And then there was Luke. Even he knew that Luke had busted his ass to help him, worked hard to put up with him and give him time to get his act together. Luke had even tried to talk to him about her, to make him realize that he wasn't giving her what she needed or deserved, and he was right. It all had been thrown back in his face. It shouldn't have happened like that.  
  
He remembered back a year earlier to the last time he had gone back to Luke. He might not ever admit it out loud, but he hadn't moved back just for Rory. He liked living with Luke, more than with his mom anyway, and even though they didn't have a 'touchy-feely' relationship, he knew he had it good there.   
  
The last time he had gone back to Luke's, he remembered what Luke had said to him. Things were going to be different this time. He had fully intended to follow through with that, but it obviously hadn't turned out that way. His mind wandered over that conversation and he remembered something else Luke had gotten on his case about, he hadn't returned Luke's phone calls to let him know he was okay. He wondered if Luke even cared if he was okay, after the way they had left things. He hadn't even told Luke he was leaving. But Luke didn't have a number to check in on him. Luke didn't even know where he was, so there was no way of knowing if Luke would have called if he had the option.  
  
He stood up and headed for the nearest pay phone. The sand sunk beneath his feet as he trudged through it. As he neared the phone and hit pavement, he dug into his pockets for the calling card Sasha had given him last week. She said he might want to keep in touch with people. Jess had just shrugged, figuring he would never use it, but felt compelled to keep it anyway. He picked up the phone and proceeded to dial the number he still had memorized.  
  
It rang. It rang again. And again. He suddenly remembered to look at his watch and noticed the time. Cursing under his breath he realized it was midnight in Connecticut, and that Luke was probably already asleep. He was about to hang up before he would wake anyone, when someone picked up the other line. He heard some fumbling around before he was greeted with a gruff "Hello?"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
It was now or never. "Uh... hey."  
  
The other end was silent for a moment, before he heard, "Do you need bail money or something?"  
  
Jess nodded his head and pursed his lips in acknowledgment. He might have deserved that. "Uh, no. No, I don't need money. Or anything. I uh - " he cut himself short, not really sure what he was trying to say.  
  
He could hear more shuffling around on the other end and he could almost feel the distance between them. "Are you safe?"  
  
He scratched his head as he looked around. "Yeah, I guess. Relatively speaking."  
  
"Well, good. Good." More silence.  
  
"Hey, I know we didn't leave things - "  
  
Luke interrupted him before he could ramble something really awkward out, "Jess, let's not do this."  
  
"Right, right." Another pause. "Well, I'm gonna be staying at Jimmy's for awhile. So I just thought, I don't know, you should know or something."  
  
"Oh. Well, thanks, I guess."  
  
Silence.  
  
"Well, I guess I'll let you get back to sleep."  
  
"Yeah, I guess." And then a really awkward, "Take care".  
  
"Yeah, you too." He heard the other end disconnect and he set the phone back on its receiver.  
  
"Hey Jess!"  
  
He turned and saw Jimmy walking toward him. "I'm gonna let Leon close up tonight and get home   
  
early. You coming?"  
  
Jess looked at Jimmy, and with one last glance at the phone he headed away from the ocean.  
  
They fell in step with each other as they walked down the sidewalk. It was less awkward then usual, but it definitely wasn't a comfortable silence.  
  
"So, you talk to anyone?" Jimmy asked.  
  
Lost in thought, Jess looked up surprised, "What? Oh, just messing around, you know."   
  
Jimmy nodded, clearly not believing him, "Right."  
  
They walked in silence for a few more minutes. Jess looked at Jimmy, a question in his eyes, struggling with weather he should say anything. Jimmy noticed this.  
  
"What?" He prompted.  
  
Jess shook his head, "Nothing."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Why'd you open a hot dog stand?"   
  
"I don't know exactly. I lived here about 20 years ago and practically lived at that hot dog stand. When I got back here, it was gone. And I really wanted it back. It seemed like something that was worth doing, bringing back a piece of history. It's a lot of hard work. But of all the things I've done in all the places I've done them, I definetly like doing this the most. It's rewarding, building something, reinventing something. You get to be your own boss, do the things the way you like to do them."  
  
Mostly to himself, he mumbled, "Yeah. I've heard that."  
  
"Why, you thinking of becoming an entrepeneur?"  
  
"Nah."   
  
"You know, I know you've been hanging around that bookstore on the Venice Beach boardwalk. The owner owes Sasha a favor. She could probably call it in for you if you want."  
  
"And what, get me some free books?"  
  
"No, I mean, getting you a job. If you wanted one."  
  
Jess shrugged. He hadn't really thought about working or needing money. He hadn't thought much at all about the future.  
  
"Well, let me know."   
  
He nodded, "Yeah, I'll do that."  
  
They were nearing the front gate and the dogs had sensed their approach. As they tried to make their way around them without getting bit, they both muttered to themselves.   
  
"I'm eventually gonna need to know which one of these dogs bite" Jess said as glanced over at Jimmy.  
  
"Your guess is as good as mine. Stan, my former neighbor, he knows. But he never told me."   
  
They fumbled with the door to get inside until they finally reached the light inside. As their eyes adjusted, they saw Sasha was sitting on the kitchen counter, and Lily, unsurprisingly, nowhere in sight. Simon and Garfunkel played softly in the background.  
  
"You're back early."  
  
"Yeah, figured I'd let Leon close up tonight. What's going on here?"  
  
"Well, I am currently listening to the Sound of Silence. Silence has a really nice melody. And Lily - "  
  
Suddenly the cabinet door opened and Lily climbed out. "Done!" she exclaimed, handing the book over to Jimmy.  
  
"Is done reading her book," Sasha finished.  
  
"Done already? That was fast." He took the book from her and headed toward his study to shelve it.   
  
"What did you think?" he called back. She followed him, leaving Sasha and Jess along in the kitchen.  
  
She nodded at him, "So, how're you doing?"  
  
He shrugged, "I'm surviving."  
  
"That you are." She hopped off the counter and started straightening the kitchen. "And that's enough for you?"  
  
"Is what enough?" he asked confused, as he followed her movements around the kitchen.  
  
"I mean, you're here, you're surviving. You came a long way to get here. You seem like the kind of guy who carries a lot of baggage with him, which is fine. Everyone's gotta bring something with them. But you seem more like you're running away from what you left behind than trying to figure out what you got here."  
  
He shrugged, "And?"  
  
"I don't know. It's none of my business. I just noticed you still hadn't taken anything out of the duffel bag you brought. And you're not the most talkative person in the world."  
  
"Whatever, I'm fine." His defenses were back up and he started to walk out of the kitchen.  
  
"Hey Jess." He stopped and turned to look at her. "I don't want to be an after-school special. And I don't want to be your mom. I'm just saying, you're welcome here till you can figure things out. I mean, you seem like a decent enough kid, and the world likes to screw with people like that. I'm just saying, don't let the world get you down. Whatever happened, whatever happens, you're here now. There's eventually gonna be something that you'll think is doing more than just surviving for. And this might not be it, but it could be. Don't let anything ruin it for you if it is."  
  
He nodded. "Yeah." He gave her a half smile. "Thanks." And then he headed back into the living room, and settled down on the couch. He could hear Jimmy and Lily in the other room talking although he couldn't make out what they were saying. And then he saw Lily coming toward him, a determined look on her face.  
  
"Have you read The Mouse That Roared?" He blinked, surprised.   
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Tell Jimmy that a bobby pin was not responsible for the declaration of war."  
  
He looked up at Jimmy who had trailed Lily out of his study. "A bobby pin was not responsible for the declaration of war."  
  
"You two are cracked. "  
  
Sasha walked in and joined them.  
  
As they continued to talk in the living room, and decided pizza was also a good plan, Jess couldn't help but feel... really weird. This was new. Sitting in a living room, there were two adults. That had never happened in any household he had lived in. They were speaking to the children like their opinion mattered, like they had something worth saying. Not telling him what he should be doing and not making a point to let him know he had screwed up.   
  
It was new and if you caught him on an off day, he might have said it a little bit scary. He could no longer hide behind a somber attitude to let the world know he didn't care what they thought, because the world didn't care what he thought. He could no longer find satisfaction in blaming everyone else for his problems, because it wasn't their fault. No one had expectations of him. He finally had space to decide what he expected of himself. He had only himself to disappoint.   
  
He didn't know if he would ever get used to this. But he thought it might be a good idea to stay and figure out if he could. 


	2. Chapter One

Author's Note: You'll notice that this takes place 4 years after the prologue. Right now I don't have any serious plans to write Jess's story in those 4 years, but if I get inspired, I would consider writing interludes or possibly a companion piece about this time frame.  
  
Also, in response to the feedback, I'd like to make a few clarifications. Everything that happened in season 3 happened in this fic (including Jess's phone call to Rory in the season finale). I have made some revisions in the prologue to reflect this, since I made it unclear in the original version. It's not necessary to reread to understand the plot, but it's there if anyone wants to see what I did.   
  
And for those who asked, I'm not really sure if this is going to be Literati or not. It probably will. But the idea for this fic stemmed from an idea I had for one scene (which will take place in a couple chapters) and I kind of built the fic around that idea. I have a general outline of how I want this to go, but I'm just going to see where the characters take me.  
  
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Chapter 1  
  
Summer, 2007   
  
The sun was particularly hot on this July day. It beat down on the sand, making it hurt to stand in one spot for too long. It rippled through the air obscuring the clarity of distant objects. The tar in the road was beginning to melt, leaving black shoe prints behind the few who walked through it. A sea breeze cooled everything momentarily, but that too was gone after a moment.   
  
Kids laughed as they ran through a sprinkler. A man wiped his brow as he tried to fix an air conditioner. The homeless had given up hoping for someone else's spare change long ago and sought refuge in shade of the trees as best as they could. In the distance, a dog barked.  
  
Jess leaned over the counter of the bookstore reading. The store was deserted and he had nothing better to do. Most people didn't want to be outside for any amount of time in this kind of weather, which meant most people didn't want to go to the bookstore, especially one that had no fourth wall to allow easy access from the boardwalk and therefore almost as hot as outside. He had been standing in the same spot for almost two hours without a single customer. He had barely moved a muscle but nonetheless he could feel tiny beads of sweat dripping down his forehead.   
  
The place was quiet, for once, and it was a nice change of pace. Almost everyday the store was jam-packed with the most eccentric kinds of people you could imagine, because that was the kind of people that inhabited Venice Beach. Some were regulars, some were tourists, but there was always someone. He could always tell who was there to buy a book to skim while they got a tan and who wanted to read literature. The amount of people who came in looking for the latest trendy best-seller amazed him. But today there was no one and Jess was taking the opportunity to get paid to read, instead of telling other people what to read. It seemed like a fair deal to him.  
  
Suddenly the book closed and Jess set it down on the counter. It was too hot to read, he couldn't concentrate.  
  
He looked around the store for something to amuse him. He spotted the far wall and as he walked around the counter he wiped his forehead with the back of his palm. He wondered when this heat was going to pass.  
  
As he made his way over to the "Employee Recommendations" shelf he straightened some messy piles and picked up a couple stray books that hadn't been put back in their proper spot. He felt bad for all those times he didn't put something back where he got it from after he decided he wasn't going to buy it (or steal it). It just made extra work for somebody else. And this time it was him, which was the problem.  
  
He slowed as he neared his destination to survey the shelf of books he'd picked out the last time he'd done this. It was hard to pick out just 5 books to recommend to others. There were so many great books to choose from. He never knew whether to pick books that he himself enjoyed or books that he thought everyone should read. He never knew if the average person could handle his personal favorites. Arrogant? Probably. But not all wrong.  
  
He picked the books that were currently on the recommendations shelf and worked his way through the store to put them away. On his way he browsed the shelves, sometimes trading books that would take its place.  
  
Every time he did this, there was always something else in the back of his mind. Something that would nag him and wouldn't go away. He tried to ignore it, but he never could. It was the eternal and unending questions that he would never get the answers to. Which books would she choose? What would she have to say about the books he'd chosen?   
  
Because of that, he always choose one book that he thought she might. Not so much in honor of her, but in memory of who she was. Someone who could handle his personal favorites. Someone who enjoyed good literature. Someone who could hold their own in a debate. Someone who could change your whole life just by being the kind of person they were.  
  
Someone who had changed him.  
  
He shook his head, trying to loose his train of thought. He concentrated on the task at hand, and made his way back over to display the books he had picked out for his shelf. After placing them all in their proper spot, he looked at it was satisfaction and made his way back to the counter on the other side of the store, where he picked up the book he had tossed aside earlier and tried to continue reading.  
  
five hours later  
  
The sun had finally set and in it's absence the night brought with it a coolness that was welcomed by all. Jess was locking the gate to the bookstore and then started his short walk back... to wherever it was that he called the place he slept at night.  
  
It wasn't quite home, but it was more than a stopover on his way through town.  
  
Jess thought of the time he'd spent here. In the beginning it was awkward. Jimmy didn't know how to have a son. Jess didn't know how to have a father. Eventually though, they learned how to talk to each other as people. Sasha didn't have a problem with him staying so long as he didn't kick the dogs or cause any trouble, and he and Lily had a sort of unspoken bond. They'd sit and read for hours. She'd sit in the closet in the living room and he'd sit on the couch. One day when he was looking particularly somber, she offered him her space in the cabinet in Jimmy's study. It was a sweet gesture for a kid, and Jess took her up on it. After that it kind of became a habit. So sometimes he'd sit in the cabinet in Jimmy's study and she'd sit at Jimmy's desk. They shared books and debated a little. She liked to tag along with him when he went to work sometimes, which was fine. She was one of the least annoying kids he knew and sometimes he enjoyed the company.  
  
Jess had gotten the job at the bookstore after talking to Sasha and he'd been working there for almost four years. Sometimes he worked shifts at the Inferno when Jimmy needed someone to fill in and he did odd jobs for the neighbors every now and then. He didn't work full-time but he worked a lot and he chipped in on rent and helped with groceries as he could. The rest he saved. Saved for what, he wasn't really sure, but save he did. He'd been saving for awhile now, money that went all the way back to his days at Wal-mart.  
  
About a year ago he had written a check to Luke for $5000. Some of it was to pay him back for the cost of the damages Luke had fronted to keep him out of trouble. The rest of it, he wasn't sure. Some of it was thank you. Some of it was sorry. Some of it just was.  
  
As Jess approached the house, he could see the light on inside and the outline of Jimmy and Sasha in the window. He still wasn't a dad, but he was someone Jess had spent the last 4 years of his life with. He still rambled when he was nervous about nothing in particular and was still living the high life as the owner of a hot dog stand, but he hadn't run out on Jess, and maybe more importantly, he hadn't kicked Jess out yet, and for that Jess had to give him credit.  
  
The dogs didn't bother him today. They just whined as he walked by. They were probably still lethargic from the heat they had to endure earlier.   
  
He slid his key into the lock and made his way inside. Jimmy and Sasha were sitting on the couch talking.   
  
Jimmy looked over at him as he entered, "Hey Jess. Enjoy the heat today?"  
  
"Oh yeah," he replied. "I think there was one customer in the store today and I'm pretty sure he only came in cause the magazine stand was closed and was looking for porn. How was the Inferno?"  
  
Sasha interrupted, "Can you not make the really bad joke I know you're thinking right now?"  
  
Jimmy looked at her and sighed, "You're very demanding you know that?" He looked back at Jess. "We didn't get much business today either. I don't think hot food on a hot day goes very well."  
  
"The condiments aren't hot. The condiments are supposed to be cold."  
  
"That's what I said!" Jess turned around and looked at the cabinet where the voice he had just heard was coming from.  
  
"I thought you couldn't fit in there anymore?"  
  
"I'm flexible." Apparently that was all the explanation he was going to get.   
  
"Just don't get stuck in there again." He turned back to Jimmy, "Why don't you get her a bigger one of those?"  
  
"I like this one. It has sentimental value."   
  
"What sentiments?" Jess asked.  
  
"The ones that are valuable."  
  
"Oh, those. Of course." Jess walked into the kitchen to grab a coke out of the fridge and wandered back into the living room.  
  
"The one in my study is bigger. You fit in that one. But she doesn't go in that one cause you go in that one and she likes this one."  
  
"Well, I certainly wouldn't fit in this one. And I'm not in the other one that much. She could go in there if she wanted."  
  
Sasha looked at him skeptically, "Sure, whatever you say. Anyway, do you guys want to order from Wildflower tonight?"  
  
"Oh, yeah. I want lasagna." Lily called as she opened the cabinet door and struggled to get out. After a few minutes she looked over at Jimmy and Sasha on the couch, "Maybe I do need a bigger one."  
  
"Or maybe you could read outside, where the sun is." Jess told her. He stood leaning against the far wall, watching the whole thing.  
  
"The sun? What is that?" and then she giggled.  
  
"What are you reading in there anyway?" Jess asked.  
  
"The Fountainhead. But I don't understand it much. I'm probably gonna have to reread it in a couple years."  
  
Jess stopped all movement and stared at her. "You're reading The Fountainhead?"  
  
"Yeah. I think I like it. Except for the whole not understanding it thing."  
  
"Alright, I'm gonna call in our order. Jess, what do you want?" Sasha turned to look at him as she was about to pick up the phone, but all she saw was the door closing behind him as he shut himself in Jimmy's study.  
  
Sasha looked at Jimmy and Lily, who had finally managed to free herself from the confines of the cabinet, "What's wrong with him?"  
  
"Maybe he really doesn't want to give up his cabinet?" Jimmy said. Lily and Sasha both rolled their eyes at him.  
  
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Jess was sitting in the dark. He had shut the door to Jimmy's study and tried to shut out the world by hiding in the cabinet. He had the book light with him but he couldn't bring himself to turn it on. Lily had bought him one for his birthday last year after he started making a habit of hanging out in there. As much as he teased her about it, he had to admit there was a certain quality to the solitary confinement that was appealing, in minimal doses that is. He came in here when he needed to think. Or not think.   
  
It had been four years. Four years since he left Stars Hallow. Four years to gain perspective on what had happened there.   
  
He had gotten himself caught in his own trap. He had built a wall around himself in New York. That place had taught him to be hard and invulnerable and it taught him well. He tried hard not to care what other people told him to do or thought, and most of the time he did the opposite just to spite them. Everyone wanted him to be somebody or do something different, and it got to the point where he couldn't breathe, he didn't have the room to step back and realize what he wanted to do for himself. He was so caught up in his own game he didn't even realize what he was doing.  
  
But Rory made him feel things he had never felt before. Her smile alone could crack the walls he had built around himself. He didn't quite know what to do with that feeling. He didn't know how to have those kind of feelings.   
  
He didn't think about her all the time anymore. Not the way he used to. He used to sit in here for hours and just wonder how to get her out of his head. But time passed and he learned to live without her. He could get by most weeks without thinking of her.  
  
He didn't change a whole lot when he was with her, not as much as she deserved, but that's where it started. Not because she asked, because she never would. Everything about her was just infectious.   
  
He still had a hell of a lot of growing up to do after he had left, but he liked to think she gave him whatever it was that helped him through it. Her and Luke that was.   
  
Luke had changed him in a different way. He had a certain respect for Luke, even if he didn't show it while he had lived there. But the night before he left Stars Hollow, that had changed him the most. The more he thought about, the more what Luke had said dug into him. And it made him not want to be that kid who was mad at the world with a chip on his shoulder never letting anyone give him a chance. He didn't want to be the guy that worked 40 hours a week at a job he hated for a hundred dollar bonus or the guy in the back of the classroom who raved about Steely Dan.   
  
Hindsight is one of the more ironic catch 22's of the world.   
  
And so he learned how to live with himself. Getting away from it all gave him the perspective he needed to process it and realize what it meant. He had changed over the years. He had grown.   
  
He leaned his head against the wall, and stared up at the ceiling he couldn't see.  
  
He wondered what Rory was doing right now. He wondered if he would ever stop wondering that. She had most likely graduated. From Yale. He wished he could feel proud of her. And he probably would have if he knew anything about her life, if he was any way a part of it. But it was his own fault he wasn't.   
  
Was she making it big as the hottest new reporter at USA Today, or was she interning and working her way up at The New Yorker? Or was she spending her last summer at home in Stars Hallow, enjoying the crazy festivals one last time before she embarked on a crazy overseas assignment. Maybe she was sitting at Luke's, right now, reminiscing about that boy who used to work there.  
  
And he wondered about Luke, about the diner. He wondered if Luke and Lorelai had finally worked everything out, or if he had settled down with Nicole and maybe he had a cousin. He shook his head, he couldn't imagine Luke with a kid. And then he found himself wondering about all the other crazy people who inhabited that crazy town, for god knows what reason. He hadn't thought about them in a really long time. Did Ms Patty still teach dance? Was Kirk still insane? Was Taylor still driving the town crazy? He wondered if Luke had killed Taylor yet and how he might have gotten away with it.  
  
And he could feel the restlessness start to overtake him. It started in his stomach and spread through his whole body until he could feel it in every muscle. This was it. He had to do something.   
  
He wondered if this was how his father had felt on his fishing boat in Maine or in an apartment in Chicago. Or sitting in his car in New York 22 years ago.   
  
He could stay and continue to wonder about those things, about Rory, about Luke, for the rest of his life. Or he was going to go and find out the answers.  
  
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The sun shown through the partially open blinds creating lines of light throughout the room. The elongated spaces of brightness made the rest of the room look dull and sad in comparison. The birds were awake and talking excitedly, and loudly, about whatever it is that birds talk about, waking up many of those who had planned to sleep through the morning.  
  
This day was cooler than the last. The air was crisper than normal and filled with promise. The sky was blue, not a cloud in the sky.  
  
Jess surveyed his room, making sure he wasn't leaving anything important behind. Grabbing the last book from under his bed, he slung his duffel bag over his shoulder and walked into the living room.  
  
Sasha, Jimmy, and Lily sat at the kitchen table talking and eating breakfast. Jimmy heard Jess exit his room and called out to him, "Hey, what time you working today? Cause I need - " he cut short as Jess entered the kitchen and everyone looked at him in the doorway. They noticed the bag slung over his shoulder and continued to stare.  
  
After almost a minute, Jimmy broke the silence, "You packed your bag." It was a statement, one which held the question and the answer he was looking for.  
  
Jess bit back his sarcastic remark about stating the obvious and nodded, "Yeah. I did."  
  
"You leaving?" Lily asked.  
  
"I think so." He considered his last statement and clarified, "I mean, yeah, I guess I am."  
  
Lily stood up and walked over to him. "Why?"  
  
"I have some stuff I need to figure out. Things I need to find out. Things I need to try to fix."  
  
"Anything we can do?" Sasha asked.  
  
He shook his head. "Nah, I gotta do this myself." She nodded in understanding.  
  
He was never good at goodbyes. Which is probably why he usually left without them. "So, anyway, I just wanted to say thanks, for everything. I know I was asking a lot when I started staying here." He paused. "So thanks."  
  
Lily wrapped her arms around him and held him in a hug. Unsure of this display of affection, he tentatively placed his arms around her before picking her up and holding her.   
  
"Are you ever gonna come back?" she asked.  
  
He looked over her shoulder at Sasha and Jimmy who were watching them. "It's definetly not out of the question."  
  
When he set her down, Sasha walked over and gave him a hug and a peck on the cheek. She smiled at him. "I'm proud of you. You did good here. You're welcome anytime." With that turned to Lily. "You wanna run to the market with me Lil?"  
  
"Can we get pop tarts?" she asked hopefully.  
  
"Sure thing." She grabbed the keys off the counter and with one last wave at Jess vacated the apartment.  
  
Jimmy was still sitting in the same spot at the kitchen table. He awkwardly stood up. "So, this is it."  
  
Jess nodded, "Looks like it."  
  
"It was an interesting ride."  
  
"That it was."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
Jess knitted his eyebrows in confusion. "Thanks?"  
  
"Yeah. For not busting my balls. For giving me the chance to know you."  
  
"Yeah. You too."  
  
They both stood staring at their shoes for a minute, before Jimmy finally reached over and pulled Jess into a hug. It was awkward, but it was what it was, and it was father and son hugging. "Take care of yourself, kid. Let's not wait another 18 years to see each other again, okay?"  
  
Jess nodded as he pulled away, "Sounds like a plan."  
  
As Jess turned to leave, Jimmy called after him, "Where you headed?"  
  
He stopped and turned his head slightly as he said it out loud for the first time, "I think that's what I'm trying to figure out." 


	3. Chapter Two

Author's Note: This chapter was really hard to write. I rewrote the thing at least seven times. I'm relieved to say I finally finished, and I hope you enjoy the direction I finally decided to take.  
  
Thank you Hadar for all your help. And thank you to everyone who has supported me to this point. All of your kind words and enthusiasm mean a lot to me.   
  
--------  
  
Chapter 2  
  
The air is thicker, hotter. You can actually see stars in the sky without all the light pollution. The lanes are narrower and more trees line the road. But the differences between the greater Los Angeles area and the suburbs of Connecticut don't end at the aesthetics of their highways. Something was just... different about these places that was hard to put into words.   
  
Jess suspected it had little to do with the way they appeared and more to do with the people who lived there. One could grow old with LA in weeks, seeing the same trend on every made-up wanna be super star. It was easy to get sucked into that superficial world if you let yourself. But this place felt untouched by pop culture world surrounding it, almost like the people were hiding from it.  
  
Jess tried to concentrate on the book he was reading. His book light seemed to be the one of the only lights on, aside from a few of the overhead lights that had been turned on. Everything else was fairly dark, with only passing street lights and the moon to serve as illumination. As he read, he tried to ignore the screaming baby in front of him and the drunken man behind him. He probably would have had just as much luck trying to make the earth rotate backwards. Public transportation was a necessary evil that was the bane of his existence for the past 15 hours.   
  
Turning off his book light, he stared out the window, hoping to drown out the background noise. Trees he could barely make out passed by. He noticed the bus start to pull off an exit on the highway and noted the sign, 'Welcome to Stars Hollow'.   
  
He remembered the first time he had passed that sign and the anger and frustration and dread that had accompanied that ride. This time there wasn't any anger. There was just a lot of anxiety and anticipation.   
  
He watched as the outskirts of the town started to take form beyond his window. He could already tell that practically nothing had changed. He had expected something to be different. Maybe they had built a new store or there were some trees being ripped out for the sake of a new development. But there was none of that.   
  
There was something different about this place though that he couldn't place his finger on. Maybe it was the night, but he'd obviously seen the town at night. Maybe it was the peaceful way the town seemed to be resting tonight. Or maybe he saw it differently because he was looking at it through different eyes.   
  
As the bus rounded another corner he could see that it was about to arrive at the Stars Hollow bus station. He suddenly didn't think he could move. Why did he think this was a good idea? He didn't like living here and no one else liked him living here. What did he expect? What was he going to do? Maybe he could just stay on the bus and go back to the Hartford airport -   
  
"Stars Hollow!" the bus driver bellowed out.   
  
He let out the breath he had been holding and stood up. He grabbed his bag from overhead and slung it over his shoulder as he walked down the narrow aisle and off the steps of the bus. He had gotten this far. It wasn't going to change anyone's opinion if he screwed up again anyway.   
  
The doors squealed shut, the engine fired up, and the bus pulled away from the curb. Jess stared at the tail lights as they faded into the darkness and out of sight.   
  
Finally, he turned around to face the town. It looked peaceful. It looked smaller. It looked normal, like it wasn't inhabited by a bunch of people who needed to be medicated.   
  
He was glad he wasn't arriving in the middle of some crazy festival so that everyone in town would be staring him down, hearing them whisper about him, watching the gossip trail get all worked up over his arrival. He only had to deal with... Luke. He wasn't sure that would wind up being a better deal.   
  
He started walking in the general direction of the center of town. The walk was second nature - gone all this time and he still knew the place like the back of his hand.   
  
As he neared Luke's he saw some of the inside lights were still on and he was thankful that Luke was still awake. The blinds were still open but he couldn't see anyone in the dining area right then. The 'Closed' sign was on the door but when he reached for the door handle he saw it wasn't locked. Jess shook his head at how trusting people in small towns were.   
  
As he pushed the door in he saw the diner just as it was the last time he had seen it. A rag was on the counter but with no one in sight, he figured Luke must be in the back doing something. He heard some movement in the back coming towards him, and braced himself for when Luke realized who was there.   
  
A figure suddenly walked backwards out of the kitchen, struggling with a large box as she tried to fit through the opening, "Mom, I told you I can't give you anymore pi - " and then stopped dead in her tracks as she turned around and saw who had entered the diner.   
  
She stared at him wide-eyed and dropped the box of napkins she had been carrying. It hit the floor and the napkins flew out, covering everything in a flurry of white.   
  
They stood, staring at each other for a few seconds, before Rory managed to formulate a thought.   
  
"I thought you were my mom." She paused, "She wants free pie and I had to cut her off about an hour ago."   
  
Jess recovered quickly from his shock, not missing a beat, "I'm surprised you didn't have to do that sooner."   
  
"She was busy today so she didn't get here until late."   
  
"That explains it."   
  
She nods, not really sure what else to do. She looks him over, taking in his presence.   
  
"So - you're here."   
  
"Yeah. I'm here. " He pauses and looked at her, "You're here too."   
  
"I'm here often."   
  
"But not with an apron and a rag and a box of napkins that you dropped all over the place."   
  
She looks down, finally realizing what she had done, "Oh, crap." She bends down to start picking them up, and he follows suit, placing his duffel bag on the ground behind him.   
  
They work silently for a few moments, picking up napkins and putting them back in the box. The quiet settles around them once again as they continue to work.   
  
Jess looked over at her as they continue picking up the napkins, "So, you dropped out of Yale and now you're an aspiring actress?"   
  
Startled by the sound of his voice, she looks up before answering, "What? Oh, no. Luke has the flu or a stomach virus or something. He was sneezing all over everyone's food and it was gross. We told him he had to rest or he wouldn't get better. And that it was a health code violation."   
  
"And that worked?"   
  
"No. I think he was delirious though and too weak to argue. And my mom was very persistent. I'm home for the summer, and since I have more free time than I know what to do with, I figured I could cover for him so doesn't have to close."   
  
"How's that working out for you?"   
  
"I think this is the beginning and end of my dining career."   
  
He smiled at her as they continue to pick up napkins. It was nice to talk to her like this. Like things weren't so screwed up. Almost like they weren't strangers to each other. There were only a couple napkins left, and they both reached for the same one. Their hands brushed past each other, and when he looked up at her their eyes locked. He stared into her eyes, and he for once he couldn't read her. She abruptly pulled away and stood up, bringing the box up with her.   
  
"I should throw these out. Luke is going to be so mad that I wasted all these napkins. I hope there's another box in the back. Cause if there's not people are going to have to walk around with dirty hands and then we'll get bacteria in the food and people will get sick and then Luke will get sued and it'll be all my fault. So I should go. Find more napkins. To prevent the outbreak." She spun around and walked back toward the stock room. Yeah, now you could tell things were screwed up.   
  
Frustrated with himself, he called after her, "Rory, wait!" She stopped and turned her head slightly to the side so he knew she was listening. "We should talk."   
  
Her shoulders slumped and she sighed. "I - I don't think I can. Not now. Just - not now." And with that she was out the door.   
  
He stood there staring at the spot where had last seen her back until he got a hold of himself and bent over to retrieve his duffel bag off the floor. That definitely wasn't in his plans for tonight.   
  
He turned around and walked out the door, back into the night. Back into the dark. He definetly wasn't going to talk to Luke tonight. He'd had to find a hotel to stay in nearby. He supposed to Independence Inn was the closest, but he didn't really care to see Lorelai tonight or tomorrow morning. Nor was he sure if Lorelai still worked there or if it was still open, since the last he heard it was still struggling to stay open from that fire.   
  
He sighed. There was a lot he was going to need to be filled in on, assuming someone would be willing. He walked over to the pay phone and called the cab company. And even that number he could recall from memory, even though he couldn't ever remember using it.   
  
----------------   
  
Jess opened his eyes to the sound of an obnoxious radio personality blaring out of the alarm clock on the dresser next to his bed. He almost missed Jamie and Danny next to these guys, who he stopped listening to about a week after he moved to Venice. As he rolled over to turn it off, it took him a moment to remember what he was doing in this foreign room.   
  
Rubbing his eyes, he looked around trying to place where he was. A hotel room, which he had arrived at after taking a cab from... Stars Hollow. That was it.   
  
Today he was going back to Stars Hollow. He wasn't sure what he should be feeling right now. Nervous, anxious, calm; they all seemed to blend together. Pulling back his covers and stretching, he hoped today would go any better then yesturday.   
  
Half an hour later he was dressed and ready to go. He opened his duffel bag, the same one that had been with him since the first time he arrived in Stars Hollow, to put his things away. He looked down and took out the book that had followed him all the way to Venice and back again. Putting the book on top of the things he was putting into his bag, he closed the bag and headed for the door.   
  
He took the bus back into Stars Hollow this morning. He arrived in the middle of the morning and decided to purposely avoid passing Ms. Patty's as he walked through town. The town was no more busy than usual and for that he was thankful. Walking up to Luke's he could see there were only a few customers inside. He could also see Rory serving a customer by the window. She looked up as he approached and when she spotted him she gave him a tentative half smile and looked away. Moving back into the diner he lost sight of her as he rounded the corner and opened the door.   
  
He walked inside, just like he had so many times before and walked over to the counter, waiting for, well he didn't exactly know.   
  
Rory walked behind him and around behind the counter.   
  
She glanced up at him as she walked by him, "Hey," and then she busied herself putting things away, straightening things, playing with the coffee machine. Jess watched her, unsure if he was supposed to act normal or try to converse with her as little as possible.   
  
"Hey." Smooth. "So, this is a new. Usually I'm over there and you're over here demanding coffee."   
  
"Not recently." She stopped even as the words came out of her mouth, and he knew she regretted them. But she played it cool and continued fiddling around with anything behind the counter she could get her hands on.   
  
"Rory. I don't want to bother you. I'm just looking for Luke. Again."   
  
She stopped what she was doing and turned around, nervously playing with the rag in her hand. "He's upstairs. He's still sick, but he came down a little while ago to make sure I opened okay so he should be awake."   
  
"So, it's okay that I go up there?"   
  
She shrugged, and grabbed a plate Ceasar had just placed on the counter that was ready to be served. As she walked back around the counter, she said, "It's not my decision. Do what you want."   
  
He followed her as she moved through the diner and set the plate on a nearby table. She made some small talk with the customer and then moved on to take someone else's order. She was definetly more cut out for waiting tables than he ever was, at least in the being nice department. He looked over to the opening that led upstairs and braced himself.   
  
Walking upstairs, he wasn't sure what he should expect. He was reaching for the door handle when he stopped. He didn't live here anymore, he couldn't just go barging in. So he knocked.   
  
After a couple seconds, he could hear Luke yell in a very congested voice, "Come in."   
  
He took a deep breath and opened the door.   
  
Walking in was like walking back in time. He was suddenly seventeen again. Looking around, he could see that very little had changed. His side of the room was more bare than when he had left it, but other than that everything was pretty much the same. As his eyes scanned the room, they landed on Luke, who was sitting at the kitchen table eating soup. Luke glanced up and they made eye contact before Jess broke away to shut the door behind him.   
  
Jess gave a pathetic wave, "Hey Luke."   
  
Luke went back to his soup. "I figured it was you. Although I'm more surprised you didn't just appear behind me when I wasn't looking cause that's how I usually find you."   
  
Jess shoved his hands into his pockets and just kind of stood there.   
  
"So, how's... everything?"   
  
Luke glanced up at him, "Everything is good. The diner is good. My health is, well, not great, but I'll be better soon. Anything else you need to know?"   
  
Jess stared at him. "What?"   
  
"I mean, we've had a small version of small talk. So unless there's anything else you need to know, I really need to rest."   
  
"I was hoping we could talk."   
  
"About?"   
  
Unsure of the turn this conversation had taken, he answered unassuredly, "Stuff?"   
  
Luke sighed, obviously not sure where this was going either, and continued with a more matter-of-fact tone, "Jess, what are you doing here?"   
  
"Honestly? I don't know."   
  
"You don't know?"   
  
"Well, I mean, physically, I know that right now what I'm doing here is feeling really awkward in your apartment, but the general, what do I plan to do here, yeah, that I don't know."   
  
"Are you coming back?"   
  
"I don't know."   
  
"What do you mean you don't know?"   
  
"I don't know. I don't know if I want to stay and I don't know if I want to go. I'm just... here. I don't know if it's temporary or permanent or what. But it is what it is."   
  
"How can you not know. I don't get a phone call or letter from you in almost four years. The last I heard from you was a check, with no note or letter or symbol, the only reason I know it was from you is because your name was printed on the check, how you got a bank account we'll get back to later, and that was over a year ago. And now you show up out of the blue with no notice. You just traveled almost 3000 miles and you don't know why?"   
  
"That pretty much sums it up."   
  
"Don't start being a smart-ass on me. I had a hard enough time putting up with that when I wasn't sick, and I don't intend to when I feel this crappy. What are you doing here?"  
  
Jess ran his hands through his hair, wondering how this got screwed up already, "It was different before, when I was a kid. I lived where I lived because it was where someone made me live. And then it was because that's just where I was so I stayed there. There's no one to tell me where to go anymore. And I somehow ended up here. I'm not sure what that means. But that's the best answer I can give you right now."   
  
Luke stared at him for a minute. "So, what do we do now?"   
  
"You're asking the wrong guy."   
  
"Where are you staying?"   
  
"A hotel in Hartford. It's not too bad."   
  
"Were you planning on sticking around for awhile?"   
  
He shrugged, "Was thinking about it."   
  
"And I'm guessing you'll need a place to stay, and probably a job?"   
  
"Well, I didn't schedule the bank job till next week, so yeah." Luke glared at him out of the cover of his eye.   
  
"Listen, you know the apartment building on Peach, with the pink apartment? I own it now and someone just broke their lease. It's yours if you can afford it. And if you can't you can work here till you can."   
  
"Seriously?"   
  
"It might just be the sickness talking, but yeah."   
  
"That's too easy."   
  
He shrugged, "Maybe. But it is what it is. There's an envelope on the dresser by the door. You'll need that."   
  
They looked each other in the eye, realizing the understanding they were coming to.   
  
"You should probably get out of here before you catch whatever I have. You can start work tomorrow if you want. I'll tell Rory that she doesn't need to be here anymore when I go downstairs later. I'm sure the whole town will be thankful for that."   
  
"She didn't look like she was doing a half bad job."   
  
Again, Luke glared, "Assuming you remember how to open and close a diner."   
  
Jess walked over to the dresser Luke had indicated, looking over the envelope. It was just a blank envelope, with no address or stamp that might indicate where it was going, but it seemed like so much more than that to him just then. "So, I guess I'll go check that apartment out."   
  
"Yeah. And I'll go pass out."   
  
"You do that." On his way out, he stopped and looked at Luke, who was putting his dirty dish in the sink. "Hey Luke?"   
  
He looked back at Jess over his shoulder, "What?"   
  
"Thanks." They both knew he meant for more than just the apartment. He nodded.   
  
"That's what family is for, right?"   
  
Jess nodded, finally realizing there was truth in that statement. "Yeah." And then he walked back downstairs, through the diner, and back into the streets of Stars Hollow. 


	4. Chapter Three

Chapter 3  
  
Walking down the hall, Jess looked down at the note in his hand and back up at the doors as he passed them. Finally finding the door he was looking for, he slowed as neared his supposed destination and reached into the envelope he held in his other hand. Producing a key, he slid it into the lock of the door he had stopped in front of and after hearing the satisfying click of the lock sliding out of place, he turned the handle and entered the apartment.  
  
The walls weren't pink. That was the first thing he noticed, and for that he was relieved. Among the few things he required for a space he lived in, the walls not being pink was definitely near the top of that list.   
  
The second thing he noticed was that the walls were very white. To the left of the door, the narrow foyer space opened into living room that shared space with a small kitchenette. This room was completely bare, save for a small kitchen table on the other side of the room, and two doors to his right. The empty space gave the room an empty, dry feeling.   
  
Setting his bag on the floor he cracked the first door to his right. Bathroom. A couple feet over was another door. Bedroom. This room was also pretty bare, except for the bare bedspring and mattress in the corner. Looks like he wouldn't sleeping on the kitchen table tonight. Walking back out, he walked through the living room to the small kitchenette. It had the standard stove, refrigerator, microwave, cabinets.  
  
It wasn't huge, not the same one he and Luke had looked at years ago, but big enough for one person. And he was one person all by himself. At least he thought so sometimes.   
  
Other times, he wasn't sure if he was a whole person, or maybe just a a piece of a person trying to find the rest of himself in all the wrong places.  
  
Looking around, he took note of the lack of furniture. That might prove to be an interesting challenge.  
  
He didn't really know protocol for moving into a place by yourself. But he knew he'd need a lot of... stuff. And all he had with him was some clothes and books that he had brought from Venice. There wasn't much he could do now. There was nothing to sit on, except the kitchen table, which probably wouldn't be too comfortable. Nowhere to put his clothes except out of his bag and onto the floor. What was he supposed to do, sit on the floor and meditate?  
  
Grabbing a book out of his bag and shoving it in his back pocket, he left the apartment, locking the door behind him.  
  
----------------------  
  
So, this was weird. It was one thing to go back to a place you used to live. There was always something functional about moving back to a previous residence. But going back to a place of previous employment, voluntarily? It seemed wrong somehow. Unfortunately there was nowhere else he could go in Stars Hollow to get everything he planned to pick up.  
  
What was worse, half the employees recognized him and insisted on talking to him. He could hardly believe so many of them still worked there, and he could barely get five feet before someone else approached him, insisting on hearing about life outside Connecticut and wondering if he was going to get his old job back.  
  
It took him almost two hours to finally get what he came for. Which wasn't much. He didn't have a car to bring his stuff back to his apartment, so he tried to cut his purchases down to what he could carry on the bus back to Stars Hollow.  
  
Disposable razors. Shampoo and Conditioner in one. Plastic silverware. Toothpaste. Shaving Cream. Paper plates. Cereal. Alarm clock. Pop tarts. He wasn't exactly sure what was appropriate, but string cheese was definitely essential.  
  
By the time he got back to Stars Hollow, the sun was setting and the streets were almost empty. The couple people he did pass blatantly stared at him as they walked by. He tried to ignore them as he made his way down the street.   
  
Rounding a corner, he spotted his apartment building up ahead and dug into his pocket to find the key.   
  
Opening the door, and fumbling for the light switch which he failed to notice earlier in the sunlight, he stepped into the darkness. His foot landed on something soft, something that wasn't the hard wood floors. The change of footing threw him off balance, and as the material he had stepped on slid across the newly waxed floors, he felt his body weight shift. Before he knew it his legs were sprawled out in front of him, his elbows digging into the floor below him, the only thing keeping him from laying completely on the floor.   
  
"Smooth. Very smooth." he muttered to himself as he pushed himself into a sitting position and rubbed his elbows. The light from the hallway shown into the room and he could finally see what it was he slipped on. Looked liked sheets.  
  
Turning around on his knees, he located the light switch and turned it on, finally shedding light through the apartment. Standing up, he picked up the WalMart bag he had dropped and gathered the now unfolded sheets into his arms. A bunch of papers had slid across the floor which he gathered up as well.  
  
He moved into the bedroom to throw the sheets on the bed and then back into the kitchen to put his stuff away. Reading the top page as he went, he realized it was a note from Luke. 'I dropped these off since I figured you didn't bring any with you, along with the lease agreement. Get it back to me sometime this week. I have some stuff of yours in storage if you're interested, from before. You'll need to be at the the diner by 6 tomorrow to open. - Luke'  
  
He put the rest of his stuff away in the bathroom and placed his key and wallet on the kitchen table. He flipped through the lease, briefly looking it over. Looked pretty standard. His only pen had run out of ink on the airplane though, so he figured there wasn't much he could do with it anyway.   
  
When he got to the last page, he stopped. It wasn't a part of the lease. It was a photocopy of the classified ads from The Stars Hollow Gazette. New York and the Tri-State area had an entire newspaper devoted to classified ads, and The Stars Hollow Gazette managed to fit all their job-listings and advertisements all on one page.  
  
The first ad he noticed was one that, presumably Luke, had circled. Someone was advertising . That was definitely for Luke. Skimming through the rest of the listings, he noticed some jobs that were open in town. Considering he probably wouldn't be getting a raise above what he got the last time he worked at Luke's, finding a second job would probably be a good idea. He wondered if Luke had thought that too and left it on purpose, or if it accidentally got mixed in with his lease when Luke dropped it off.   
  
Pool cleaner assistant (who in Stars Hollow owned a pool?), baby-sitter (unless it was Lily, he really didn't think any parent should trust him around their kid), teacher (that was just funny), stocker at Doose's (so not interested in filling Dean's old shoes, or working for Taylor for that matter), cashier (a possibility), and clerical work (boring, but it had potential).   
  
There was also an advertisement for the summer festival, which was in two weeks. He didn't know why they even bothered advertising the thing. Everyone would know about it anyway when the huge banner and tables were set up in the middle of town.  
  
Setting the paper back on the table with the rest of his stuff, he turned off the living room light and went back into the bedroom.  
  
Turning on the light in this room, he looked around at the completely empty room, save the bed. After fixing the sheets, setting the clock and placing it on the floor next to his bed, he turned off the light and laid down on the bed.  
  
Sleep evaded him, and as he stared at the ceiling in the soft moonlight, he could swear he saw himself reflected in the blank space above him.  
  
-----------------  
  
The sun had just barely risen and already it was reflecting off the bare walls and hardwood floor. Jess was woken by the brightness even before his alarm clock went off. Looking around he saw there weren't any blinds on the windows. He'd definitely need to fix that.   
  
After stumbling out of bed, he found his bag sitting next to the door and looked through it for clean clothes to wear. He took out his books as he came across them and put them in a pile next to the door. CDs made another pile and clothes were shoved back into the bag once he found what he was looking for.  
  
Getting ready in the morning was less eventful when you lived by yourself. There was no one waiting to use the bathroom or cooking breakfast or telling you that you had to be downstairs 5 minutes ago. It was just you, in the silence of your own space, doing whatever the hell you wanted to do. Somehow that took all the fun out of taking an extra long time to make your hair look like a rats nest. After 20 minutes, Jess was ready to leave.  
  
Grabbing a pop tart out of the kitchen cabinet, his keys and wallet off the kitchen table, he left the apartment and made his way to the diner. Rounding a block, he saw the high school down the street, a few early teachers making their way up the steps.  
  
Shoving his hands in his pockets, he continued down the street, passing some townspeople he didn't recognize, and finally made it to Luke's. Producing the key Luke had left him in his apartment the night before, Jess stepped inside.   
  
Hanging his coat on the rack that was still next to the door, he immediately started taking all the chairs down from where they had to be placed every night on top of their tables. He started up the grill, checked stock on the food and at precisely 6AM, he flipped the sign on the door, indicating that they were now open for business.  
  
Walking back behind the counter, he opened the book from his back pocket and proceeded to read until customers arrived.  
  
Caesar arrived 30 minutes later and 2 hours later, Jess was busy with the breakfast rush. He was ringing up a customer when Luke made his way downstairs. He saw Jess across the counter and walked over to him.   
  
"You're here."  
  
Glancing up from counting change, "Where else would I be?"  
  
"No where."  
  
"Okay."  
  
When the customer was gone, Jess turned to Luke. "So, you opened okay and everything?"  
  
"Well, I managed to not burn the place down yet. No one has complained about food poisoning so far. I think I'm good."   
  
"Has anyone ever told you you're very charming?"   
  
Pretending to think for a minute, "Well, now that you mention it... "  
  
"Never mind. I have a key to the storage place upstairs if you want it. The place is over on Plum. I'll be down later to make sure things are okay. And I'll probably be back to work in a day or two, so we can work out a schedule for you later."  
  
He shrugged, "Sure. Whatever."  
  
Rolling his eyes, Luke walked back upstairs.  
  
And that's when things Kirk walked in. Oh Joy. Kirk made his way over to the counter and sat down on a barstool. Even better. Rolling his eyes, Jess went over to take his order.  
  
"Hello Jess."  
  
"Hey Kirk. What do you want?"  
  
"So, it's true. You are back. I had my doubts, but my sources are very reliable."  
  
"Yeah, I'm here. You want anything?"  
  
"How is life on the West Side? Did you meet any movie stars or threatening rappers? I here it's a very eccentric place to live."  
  
Jess just stared at Kirk as he continued.  
  
"I also heard you moved into an apartment by yourself down the street from the high school. That is so cool. My mom let me live in the tool shed for a week last month. It was very liberating." Jess tapped his pencil against the counter. Had he really chosen to come back here? " Although I'm still having back problems from sleeping on that bed of 2x4's. But the laceration from where the shovel landed on my leg is healing nicely."  
  
"If I walk away from you without something on this pad, I'm going to hide all the sugar packets from you so you can't bring them home."  
  
Snapping out of his daze, Kirk looked at Jess. "You wouldn't."  
  
Staring back, "Try me."  
  
Kirk, scared that Jess had learned a thing or two from the threatening rappers on the West Side, opted not to try Jess. "I'll have a PB&J sandwich with no crust please."  
  
Scribbling on his pad, Jess walked away, leaving Kirk to contemplate his traumatizing experience.   
  
Walking over to a table that had just been occupied, Jess realized who it was.  
  
"Hello, dear. How's the man returned from the west?" Ms Patty gave him a once over, "You have an excellent tan. And I see you've been working out. How nice."  
  
"Anything I can get you?"  
  
"A salad, dear. With Italian dressing." Giving him her best smile, which Jess tried to ignore, she pulled his arm to bring him in close before he had a chance to escape, and whispered in his ear, "Meet me behind the dance studio at 3:00. I want the full scoop." Leering at him, she added, "I'll make it worth your while." She let him go then, much to his relief.  
  
Slightly disturbed that the townies seemed to be getting weirder, if that was possible, Jess went back behind the safety of the counter.   
  
Several hours later, after most of those who had come in just to stare at Jess or confirm the rumors were true had emptied out and the diner was fairly empty, Jess stood behind the counter, reading a book.  
  
The door opened and closed and a rustling noise was made as someone sat themselves down at the counter. Jess looked up and wondered not for the first time today if coming back here had been a wise decision.  
  
"Jess."  
  
"Lorelai."  
  
The air was still as the awkwardness between them festered.   
  
"So you're working here again. How... nice."  
  
Putting his book down and grabbing his order pad he looked back at her, "Don't get too excited."  
  
"I won't." Lorelai's act was not unlike one she would give her mother when she wasn't in the mood to deal with her, and Jess could tell he wasn't going to get out of this one easy.  
  
After a brief pause, Jess broke the silence, "So... you want anything?"  
  
"No, I'm gonna wait for Rory. Usually when I come in to wait for her Luke is here."  
  
"I see. Well, Luke is still upstairs, sick. So unless you want him sneezing all over your food, you're gonna have to settle for me."  
  
"That choice is harder than you might expect."  
  
"I really doubt that."  
  
"You really shouldn't."  
  
He looked at her, trying to figure her out, "So that's it? You're just write me off like that?"  
  
"You wrote yourself off a long time ago. Who are you to think you can come back here and expect people to just... trust you like you didn't screw them all over the last time you were here."  
  
"Believe it or not, I didn't come back here expecting anything of the sort."  
  
"Well, I don't believe you. I put up with you before because Rory wanted me to, because you meant something to her. I don't have to cut you any slack anymore and I'm not going to. I'm going to tolerate you because it means something to Luke, and frankly, because you now work at one of the few places I go to every single day and I refuse to change my life because of you."  
  
Jess responded not unpatronizingly, "I appreciate your honesty. Thanks for stopping by."   
  
She was indignant, "I can't believe you would come back here and just use Luke because you think he's easy and will give you anything you ask for. But I'm not going be nice to you if I don't feel like it. And you will not be happy if you so much as look at my daughter the wrong way."  
  
"Did you ever think that, maybe, just maybe, I didn't come back here to use Luke but to apologize? Or that maybe it was people like you, people waiting and expecting for me to screw up was what made me leave in the first place? Or that this whole town and it's microscopic lifestyle is enough to make a person feel like they can't breathe?"  
  
He stared at her, and by the expression on her face she clearly hadn't considered those possibilities.   
  
"I'm here finally. Sorry I took so long." The tension broke as Rory entered the diner, walking over to where Lorelai was sitting at the counter. Jess was looking down at his order pad now and Lorelai was fiddling with something in her purse, but Rory could tell she had missed something as she looked back and forth between them. Lorelai looked at her and smiled, "Hey sweets, no problem. Do you want to go sit at a table?"  
  
"Sure. Is everything okay?"  
  
Lorelai looked back over at Jess and then back at Rory, "Yeah, of course it is. C'mon." Rory glanced at Jess, who shrugged at her, and followed her mom to a table by the window.   
  
As Jess watched them sit down and begin chatting, he wondered if Lorelai would ever change her mind about him. If anyone in this town would look at him as something other than a mess one day. He wondered if they would be able to see that he was different, that he had changed while he was gone. And then he wondered when he had started to care. 


End file.
